Forgiveness.

ON BECOMING A PARENT

On becoming a parent, 

You suddenly realize that your own parents really weren’t all that bad.

They never really were the monsters or dictators you once thought.

There were people, just like you.

Who loved and dreamt and wept, just like you.

They probably made the sacrifices you are making now.

And suffered in silence over money or not having enough.

And they most definitely hoped and prayed they were getting it right.

Chances are they died a little every time you cried.  

And wept for you after you were no longer in sight.

I’m sure they agonized over little things like giving you 

The life they never had.

They probably had dreams of their own, 

Which they quietly and graciously gave away

On becoming parents.

They watched your accomplishments with a love and pride incomparable.

And when you were ridiculed or failed, they suffered as well….

More than you’ll ever know.

And no matter how much you thought they were out to get you,

You no doubt found they were your biggest fans

Cheering you on from the sidelines.

Holding you back only from that which would hold you back.

On becoming a parent,

I began to wonder how my own children will remember me.

I know they’ll hate me.

I know they’ll love me.

And perhaps in 20 years or so they may finally understand how much I tried,

How much I loved them,

That I needed them far, far more than they ever needed me.

How priceless they really were to me.

For they will only fully understand love unconditional,

Sacrifices all so sweetly made,

Heartache beyond the power of words,

Joy unsurpassed,

On becoming a parent.

Someday,

They will know.

I wrote that poem when I was pregnant with Lilly.  My sweet Lilly.   She's an imaginative little girl with a sweet spirit and creativity that can't be beat.  

As her mother, I struggle.  We are the same person and we clash.  Some of you may remember my post for her last summer during a difficult vacation.  Click here if you'd like to have a look.

Sweet Lilly doesn't always have such a sweet Mama.  We had a hard morning the other day. She has a hard time remembering things......like her Mother.  I have to tell her a hundred times to pack her bag, make her bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, finish her homework, practice piano, put her water bottle in her backpack and on and on and on and on.  It's not that she doesn't want to remember.  She's always thinking.  Always creating.  Always planning.  And there's only so much room for remembering when your head is filled with ideas and creative things you can't wait to start. 

So.....her Mother get's angry.  And frustrated.  And impatient.  And she says things she doesn't mean.  And then she spends the rest of the day feeling miserable and guilty.

I walked Lilly into school while she cried.  I had no patience for it.  I usually would have tried to soothe her to keep anyone from knowing that we fought.  Nope.  I was done.  I wanted to get her into school and get out....quick.

I took her to her class and half-heartedly tried to kiss her goodbye while she hid her face from me.  I gave up and walked to Molly's class.  After I finished my business there, I felt the urge to go back to Lilly.  So I did.  Mind you, when I brought her in, she was a mess.  And, I'm convinced the other kids will shun her;  she'll be miserable all day;  she'll come home cranky and difficult and the whole day and night will be a miserable wash.

But... there she sits with 2 friends, laughing.....smiling.....making jokes......having fun.  They were comforting her and laughing with her and helping her.  I could tell they had made a serious effort to cheer her up when she came in sad.  They were successful.  

And when I walked up, they all got silent.   They knew we had had a rough go of it.  Everyone looked up at me with wide eyes.....and Lilly smiled at me.  And then she squinted and put her fists up, playfully, rolling them around like a fighter from the 1920's.  And  I laughed.    I gave her a hug and a kiss, which she returned, and I left.

And I thanked God that Lilly has people in her life that lift her up when my lifting fails.  People who show her unconditional love when mine holds conditions.  And people who make her laugh when I've made her cry.  

I'm not perfect.  I'll never be a perfect parent.  Thank goodness God doesn't call us to be perfect but honest.  And, thank goodness He also calls us to own up to our own failures, ask forgiveness (even of our children) and then to forgive ourselves and move on.

And, thank God for sweet Lilly and her friends.  Thank God I get to try again tomorrow.  And probably....the day the after that.