40.

"If you would be loved.....love and be lovable."
- Benjamin Franklin

I turned 40 one week ago today.  It was kind of surreal.   I can't say it bothers me to be 40.  This truly is the best time of my life.  Because things have changed so much in the last 20 years so,  Lord knows,  I can't complain.

I used to think I was unlovable.    Not only was I hard to love but I was difficult to even like.  That was a tough time and it was very lonely.   That's why I chose the profession I did.  Acting.  I majored in theatre in College and acted professionally for nearly a decade.  My dream was to be big.  To make a great living.  To make known.  To be beautiful.  To be wonderful.  In short....my dream was myself.

I didn't have a lot of time for anyone else and it helped to keep me unlikeable.  I really do think I was arrogant to begin with, but not knowing how to have people like me or make lasting friendships pushed me even further into myself and into acting.  I decided to focus on the only thing I felt like I had control over and that was getting more and more theatre education and experience.  Maybe if I was really good at something and known, that would make me likable.   Maybe.

But the more into acting I got, the more into myself I became, the less likable I was.  I was working professionally and getting calls from directors to come and audition for jobs that were practically already mine.  Things were going fairly well.  But,  I was miserable.

I never expected to marry or have kids.  I was busy.  I was selfish.  I had no idea how to have a decent relationship.  I wanted to be liked and loved......but I didn't know how to reciprocate.  And then, I met Kevin.

I have no idea what he saw in me 15 years ago and no idea what he sees in me now.  But, no matter how awful I was or am, he doesn't let me go.  He's seen the worst I have to offer and still stays with me.  He's seen the utter selfishness of me and still loves me.  He even loves me too much to let me get away with any of my crap.  He calls me out on it and sets me on a better path.   Very gently.  While I kick and scream.

And, God in his mercy also gave this self-centered screw up 2 amazing little girls to love.  I just never thought I had it in me to be a Mom.  I still kick myself everyday at how I mess things up with my girls.  But, they love me so much.  And I can't live without them.  They make me whole and I can't believe they are mine.

I truly believe God gave me a new dream.  In his infinite love, he showed me a better way to live and showed me what it meant to be loved and how to love.  I still have to fight against the 'dream of me'..... not with acting anymore, of course, but in the way I want to look or feel or to be seen.  I guess I'll fight that battle all my life.    And I'm still not as likable as I wish.  But, my husband and my kids taught me that anyone can be loved.  And anyone can learn to love more than just themselves.  I'm living proof.  

My family is my new dream.  And, knowing I'm loved makes turning 40 a new adventure.  I look at the last decade and see the beautiful changes in my life and I just can't believe it.  I'm not the same.  I can't believe how being loved has changed this wreck of a person.  Love is truly a miraculous, mysterious thing.  Every year, my life gets better and better.

40 is beautiful.