- Benjamin Franklin
I used to think I was unlovable. Not only was I hard to love but I was difficult to even like. That was a tough time and it was very lonely. That's why I chose the profession I did. Acting. I majored in theatre in College and acted professionally for nearly a decade. My dream was to be big. To make a great living. To make known. To be beautiful. To be wonderful. In short....my dream was myself.
I didn't have a lot of time for anyone else and it helped to keep me unlikeable. I really do think I was arrogant to begin with, but not knowing how to have people like me or make lasting friendships pushed me even further into myself and into acting. I decided to focus on the only thing I felt like I had control over and that was getting more and more theatre education and experience. Maybe if I was really good at something and known, that would make me likable. Maybe.
I never expected to marry or have kids. I was busy. I was selfish. I had no idea how to have a decent relationship. I wanted to be liked and loved......but I didn't know how to reciprocate. And then, I met Kevin.
I have no idea what he saw in me 15 years ago and no idea what he sees in me now. But, no matter how awful I was or am, he doesn't let me go. He's seen the worst I have to offer and still stays with me. He's seen the utter selfishness of me and still loves me. He even loves me too much to let me get away with any of my crap. He calls me out on it and sets me on a better path. Very gently. While I kick and scream.
And, God in his mercy also gave this self-centered screw up 2 amazing little girls to love. I just never thought I had it in me to be a Mom. I still kick myself everyday at how I mess things up with my girls. But, they love me so much. And I can't live without them. They make me whole and I can't believe they are mine.
40 is beautiful.