I am usually a raging lunatic by the time I pick my kids up at school. My day starts with getting up to do a little reading and coffee drinking, then I hassle my kids to get them to dress themselves, brush teeth pack homework, etc........I cook breakfast and pack their lunches and finally drop them off at school......I try to get a 20 minute workout in or get some groceries and then quickly get myself somewhat decent enough to go out in public......I go to the gallery and work 4 - 5 hours then attempt to run an errand or 2 in the 10 minutes between leaving the gallery and picking up the kids.
Oh, and Kevin is out of town 2-3 nights a week so I really have to get almost everything done before 2:30.
Everything is on a tight time frame. So when I get the kids, I expect peace and quiet. BUT.....they are kids. They get in the car and start to decompress because they've had a pressing day, too. So we are all on edge and we immediately start to go at each other. Sigh.......
10 years ago when I had Lilly, I decided I would be the most amazing mom ever. I would never yell at my kids. I would do everything for them. I would make sure they felt loved and appreciated every second of their lives. I would be super mom.
Well. Back to reality.
My girls are so wonderful and funny and sweet and......human. They complain, argue, lie sometimes, disobey.....the usual. Because they are kids. And at times....I forget they are human. And I feel like a failure as a mom and I end up taking it out on them. Because in my mind I am supermom. But....really? I'm not. Shocking, but true.
I was thinking today how I want so badly for my home to be the place my kids WANT to be. I want it to be a refuge for them. I want it to be a safe place for them to be themselves. I want it to be the resting place for them to gain their strength so they can jump back into the world full speed ahead. It shouldn't be the place where the raging lunatic mother lives....waiting for her next victim to yell at for leaving stanky socks on the kitchen table.
But, who wants to be in a home with a raging lunatic?? (that's me, in case you skipped ahead and missed it.)
When I said I wanted to be that mom who took care of everything for her kids.....all of their needs.....well, I think I did become that mom. And, um....that's not good. I noticed it yesterday when Molly sat in front of her waffles waiting for me to cut them up, pour syrup on them and get her a fork. What??
But, it isn't her fault. I do it for her. I do lot's and lot's of stuff for them that makes them pretty dependent on me. And then I get angry at them because I'm exhausted......because I don't feel appreciated......because everything is a battle. Okay.....it's a little their fault but let's call a spade a spade. I could be giving them a lot more responsibility and, quite frankly, they'd come out on top in the end.
So, as I'm writing this post and feeling badly at how grumpy I've been with my kiddos (I also have a wicked head cold which makes me even more of a witch right now).....my sweet Molly brings me in some dinner on a tray to help me feel better. Hummus, carrots, apple sauce and ice water (she loves mounds of ice in her water. Ice water, to Molly, means love!)
And, my heart melts. Maybe I'm not super mom. But.....I'm not so bad. And maybe my kids aren't the most obedient or self-sufficent......but they are good and loving and kind. They aren't so bad, either. Luckily, we are actually very forgiving and huggy and kissy......and that covers a multitude of sins in my book.
So perhaps our home IS that place (in it's own unique way) where we all can decompress and rest and find strength for the next day. And I think it's because at the end of the day, after my raging lunatic rants.......my kids know they are loved and that their Mommy isn't perfect. And, they seem okay with that. So, perhaps I should be okay with it, too.
And, tomorrow? Molly cuts up her own darn waffles.
Oh, and Molly just came down and declared she's going to make me 'mystery breakfast' in bed tomorrow.