Beautiful.

When I was in 1st grade, my best friends mother told my friend that I was chubby.  My best friend told me.

I am 38 years old and I still remember.  It was over 30 years ago.

I have struggled with my weight since I was a child.  Let me emphasize, though.......I have never been over weight.  Not even close.  As an adult, aside from being pregnant, I have always hovered between 120 and 125.  A nice, healthy weight for a woman who is about 5'5".

But....if you are a woman.....you know that doesn't matter.  If you look in the mirror and see an overweight woman starring back at you.....it doesn't matter what you really weigh.  It doesn't matter if you are textbook normal.   If you have a problem with your body image, you will always see an overweight woman gawking at you in the mirror.  And you will feel sick.  And you will be angry.  And you will be depressed.  And you will obsess about doing something about it.

  No....I will not give you up......ever!!!

I am not exaggerating when I say that every time I put food in my mouth....EVERY TIME.......I wonder how many calories it has.  How much sugar is in this?  Will carrots make me gain weight?  Maybe I'll just drink all my meals today.

Old school Kristen Feighery artwork.   

And If I decide to 'drink' my meals and I get to the end of the day and I'm STARVING like any normal human being would be.....and then I eat.  And eat and eat......because I'm ravenous......Oh, the guilt.  The anger.  The shame.

How did we get here, girls?

How am I going to protect my children from this horrible nightmare of body image obsession?

How am I going to survive this, myself?

I am looking at myself through the eyes of a tall, sleek, beautiful mother of an old friend whom I haven't seen in years and will, most likely, never see again.  And really.....it's not her fault.  What was SHE told about body image from HER mother?  And her mother's mother.  And her mother's mother's mother.  The list goes on.

How do we stop this trend?

I'm not sure I know the answer but this I do know......I tell my daughters they are beautiful everyday.  I let them know although they are physically beautiful, how they love people and love themselves is much, much more beautiful.  We enjoy ice cream treats and cupcakes but we also talk about the importance of eating healthy to keep our bodies from getting sick.  That our bodies are a gift from God and His dwelling place......and that's reason enough to eat right and exercise.    I don't complain about my weight in front of my girls and we celebrate when they grow and gain because they are meant to be strong.

And I pray.  And pray....and pray.  And it's never to early to start praying that their future husbands will love their bodies and make them feel beautiful just the way they are.

Nooooo!!!!  I don't want to eat another salad!!!

So, my point in writing this post is more to say to anyone who struggles with this obsession.....and to anyone who is petrified of passing this trend on to their children........You are not alone.

You are not alone and there is hope.  There is hope is asking God to reveal the truth about ourselves and how beautiful we are no matter what the scale says.  There is hope in recognizing there is a real enemy who whispers in your ear that no one will love you if you don't lose weight.  We have to dispel the lies and grab on to the truth.  Everyday.  Every time we eat.  Every time we look in the mirror.  It has to be an active choice.

Pregnancy self-portrait.  Ah....the glory days of eating anything I wanted!!

We are beautiful just the way we are.

I'm giving my love handles a squeeze right now.  And it's actually making me smile.

Oh, and that photo of the wine and cupcake?  That's for tonight!