'I need a reason to sing.
I need a reason to sing.
I need to know that you're still holding
The whole world in your hands.
And that there's a reason to sing.'
- All Sons and Daughters
I'm in one of those nasty places where I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I think we all go through these. Some of us more than others.
When I was younger, I didn't recognize these troubling little times as phases. I thought it was just who I was and that meant it was never going away. I grew more and more depressed and I sunk into despair. I wasn't a believer at that point and I truly didn't have a reason to think life would ever be any different. So down I sunk.
Thank goodness, times have changed. I know what I'm going through is going to end. I know tomorrow is another day and even if this phase lasts a month.......(please, no)........I will bounce back from. This will not last forever. It's just a matter of finding value in the dark places as well as the light. And trusting that God is walking me through it, step by step.
The hardest thing for me to deal with while I'm down is not knowing how long the 'down' will last. Is it just for the day? The week? Or will it be one of those really dark ones that will last a month or more? Those are really hard to climb out of. Still.....I see them for what they are.......a phase. It will go. Eventually. Sigh.....
And while I'm in the phase, it gets very hard to fight off my own demons......my negative thoughts, my fears, my rotten attitude, my anger........they come at me full force. And I forget how to fight. And I forget that I have a powerful advocate fighting with and for me. I forget.
I heard a lovely lady break apart Psalm 23 today. She explained it in the most beautiful and simple language. How a shepherd goes before it's flock and picks out poisonous plants from the pastures so the sheep won't eat them and die. And he finds snake holes and pours oil into them to keep the venomous snakes from biting his sheep. And that he also carries a staff to gently guide any of the herd who are straying but also a rod to pulverize any foe that might try to kill the sheep.
What a visual.
And it gives me hope that while I'm in the dumps.....while I'm trying to get to that safe place...... that God is still going before me and preparing the pasture so it will be perfectly suited for me when I get there. Some pastures take longer to prepare. And I certainly appreciate those green, lush pastures when I finally climb out of the pit and get to them. Oh, boy. They are much appreciated.
I've noticed that when I'm very, very depressed, the only thing I seem to be able to do is paint. And at that time, I paint angels. Sometimes, I go into the gallery and notice I don't have one angel hanging. Other times, the walls are dripping with them. I guess their beauty is a comfort when all I feel is black.
Those are times I'm having a hard time finding a reason to sing. Like today.
But, I know.....I will not struggle forever. My God will not leave me in the pit. And there will also come a day when I will never have to struggle with this again. I will not be like this. I'll be whole. We will all be whole. No more pits. No more pain. No more clawing around trying to find a reason to sing.
I will not be like this in heaven. Praise God, glory to Him who makes us whole and pulls us into Himself for the sake of love. All because He loves us.
Praise to Him on high. I will not be like this in heaven.
No more pits.