|'The Journey' by yours truly.|
For most of my life, I've felt unloved. Not that I am or was. But the mind is a funny thing. If you believe something long enough, you can actually convince yourself that it's true. And then trying to break free of that lie is a long, hard road.
Creativity is a blessing and a curse. If you read the previous post, you know how that affects my sweet little Lilly. But it's a battle I've been fighting for years. Creativity is awesome and I love that God gave me that gift. BUT......to balance out my pride, God also allows me to struggle with the negative side of creativity.
Some people call it a low self esteem. Some people call it just part of being 'artsy'. If you are an artist of any kind, you've heard it before. "Oh, it's those artsy types. They're so sensitive."
Yes, we are. BUT.....our minds work differently, too. When I feel low, my creative mind kicks in and convinces me that the world is ending and it's all my fault. And when I feel great, my creative mind kicks in and convinces me that the world spins because of me and I'm soooooooo awesome. (Okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get the point. Hmmmm.....maybe I'm not exaggerating).
So, call it pride, if you will.....it does sound like it. But if you dig deeper and look harder, it's the creativity of the artist mind that creates scenarios based on whats going on in the world. And unless you've developed some way to keep that creative mind in check, it becomes a loose cannon.
My mind can be a serious loose cannon if I allow it to be. It's a fight I fight absolutely everyday. I just recently got to where I can somewhat control my thoughts. But, there's always the back slide. And then I have to convince myself that no, I do not sound like Adele when I sing. No, my daughter is not super awesome solely because of my 'superior parenting' (okay....maybe a little). No, 10,000 people are not going to read this blog and comment on my genius life observations.
But also.....No, my kids are not making mistakes because I'm a failure as a parent. No, I shouldn't stop singing at church because I don't sound like Adele. And no, I should not stop writing a blog that I love just because no one is calling me to advertise on it because of the 10,000 people who read it everyday.
|'Him who gives strength' Necklace|
And life is okay. I'm okay. My creative mind is okay. Just as long as I remember that not all good and bad is because of me. And life can be okay in the simple, mundane parts as well as in the high highs and the low lows without my mind creating some 'interesting scenario' to keep me from being bored. So sorry for you readers who haven't the foggiest idea what I'm talking about. Sounds crazy, I know.
Maybe it is.
But crazy is okay.