What would my life look like if what I treasured, truly treasured, was taken away? Or if what I thought I treasured....what I thought was so important....I actually received?
I have spent years desiring things....things I thought would make my life better, more fulfilling. But what are the true desires of my heart? And do I have any actual idea what they are? I know what I want. I know what I THINK would make my life better. But what is it really? Why is it that when I chase after and work harder and pour myself into what I think will make life better......it ends up frustrating me, taking my focus off my family, leaves my home a mess and empties me out completely? But.....if I have what I'm working so hard for.....shouldn't that fill me up? Shouldn't it make life better for my family, too? Isn't my lack of family focus just a temporary sacrifice that should be tolerated.....even enjoyed....by everyone around me since we all know that the ends justify the means?
Are there any gifts God gives that should leave me fulfilled and leave my family suffering? Would that really fulfill me at all? Would that really be from God?
I'm learning....day by day and step by step.....that I don't really know or understand what the desires of my heart are. Again, I know what I want. And what I want may be something that appears very noble....maybe. But, I'm finding that when God gives me a tiny sampling of the true desires of my heart.....the desires that HE puts there, peace settles in. I'm at peace with myself. I'm OUTSIDE of myself. I become an outward thinker, not an inward thinker. I cease to focus on what my desires are and I stop struggling so hard to achieve whatever it is I think will satisfy. And things just magically start to work. All the problems do not go away. But somehow, there is peace in the midst of the strife and heartbreak and unanswered questions. And there is trust. And I know that I have an ally. I am not alone trying to fight for some unknown outcome.
I've also found that my noble desires I have concocted in my own head generally are geared more towards the glory of me rather than God. It takes a while to see that sometimes. But I'm learning that if I can look back at the wake of my labor and see the lack of peace, the emptiness and the loneliness in the eyes of my husband and children....my sweet children.....then my purpose was not the noble cause I envisioned. It was for me. Me, alone. And that thing I wanted so badly and worked so hard for was not a desire placed in my heart by a loving God.
But don't think you have wasted precious time if you find you do the same.
'In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart. I have overcome the world.' John 16:33
We are in process. We are learning. Every event, every desire, every situation is something to be learned from. And God will never leave us where we are to suffer through our mistakes and lost causes. Nope. He uses it all to push us forward. To love us more. To bring us more into the person He created us to be. But to become that person, we must go through hard times. Mistakes. Bad decisions. God pulls them all together to strengthen us for the climb.
There was a time I found myself absolutely angry and bitter at God that I had such a rough road to Him while others seemed to have it all together since they became little Christ followers in Kindergarten. They never sought solace in drugs or alcohol or destructive companionship. Why couldn't I have had that road? Why do I have a body, mind and soul full of scars I wish I could forget?
Then one day I got the answer. I heard it in my head as clear as day.
'This was the only way for you. The only way to bring you around to me. This was your path.'
God will use our mistakes, our weaknesses, our burdens..... for beauty. Our scars, our mistakes, our tears, our broken and shattered hearts......are beautiful. Beautiful beyond belief. And all can be used to nourish lovely heart desires to create beauty in other peoples lives.
You have desires given by God. Your heart is full of them. Beautiful desires to enrich the world around you.
What are the true desires of your heart?
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