An unquiet mind.

I struggle with my thoughts.  I guess most people do.  But my thoughts are a little different than most peoples.  Sometimes my thoughts tell me things that aren't true.  Sometimes I get lost in those thoughts and get carried away.  I've been known to walk around talking to myself.  My darling husband is used to it.  But I hate it.

I used to think I was crazy.  I remember being 14 years old and meeting a friend at the mall and confessing to her that I really had fears that I was losing my mind.  That was 22 years ago.  My thoughts haven't let up a bit.

The difference now is that I know and accept (and even somwhat like) that I am purposely made a certain way.  I'm an artist.  I'm not a brilliant artist but I'm not bad, either.  And as the kind of artist God made me, my mind likes to take over sometimes.

But....

Other times it's my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem that makes my creative mind really get completely and utterly out of control.  There have been times I couldn't remember if I had actually done or said things or if my mind was telling me that I had.  I get lost.

So......think I'm totally insane yet?

Now, I say all this because I really have made peace (somewhat) with my sometimes 'insanity'.  It is what it is.  I am this way, mainly, because of the gift of creativity my God endowed me with.  The problem arises when I allow my creativity to control me instead of me controlling my creativity.

It is what it is.  I am who I am.  It took me a long time to accept that God thinks my mind is beautiful.  And so should I.

And luckilly, I still have friends who love me.  A husband who treats me like a queen.  Parents who tolerate and humor me.  2 fabulous little girls who tell me I'm the best Mommy in the world.  And a great group of supportive artists at my gallery who don't run away screaming when I enter the room. 

And that, my friends, is what keeps me sane.  Most of the time, anyway.

Good night.