Everything I am.....

I know noone wants to hear about another of my struggles after my little rant last week......but here it is!  As a visual artist, I struggle with what to paint.  I have a terrible habit of seeing what other artists are doing and then looking at my own work as sadly inferior.  Oh, the joys of comparison.   Why do we do it? 

Being a Christian artist has presented some extra challenges.  I want my work to be thought-provoking and inspirational (who doesn't, right??) but then I have to ask myself.....why?  Why do I want it to be thought-provoking and inspirational?  Do I want to help people or do I want to be thought of as 'insightful' and 'interesting'.  Is it for them.....or is it for me?  Shouldn't it be to edify?.......or is it for me?  What are people saying about me?

For years.....it's been for me.  I struggle (yes....another struggle) with humility.  I've been called humble so many times and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "you have no idea".  I soooo appreciate people thinking of me that way but I'm not humble.  I WANT to be more than anything.  Humility would make me a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, boss, artist........everything!!  Why is it so elusive??  Why is the 'what am I going to get out of this' question always in the back of my mind??

So, back to 'what should I paint?'.........nothing gives me greater joy than to paint the gospels.  I love to read the bible....but sometimes it's just words to me.  After painting everything under the sun and struggling (there's that word again) with what else to paint, I settle on the gospels most of the time.  When I'm painting a scene about Jesus, I feel close to him.  I don't hear words.....I feel.   To quote 'Chariots of Fire'........When I paint, I feel God's pleasure. 

So there you have it.   I get so many questions as to why I choose the bible to paint from.  Because it's a spiritual experience for me.  Because I feel God when I paint.   I try to be a thousand different things in life to try to measure up and compare with what everyone is doing better than me.   But when I paint, it's just me and God.  Noone to impress.  Just us.  When I paint....I'm humble.  Finally.

Everytime I finish a biblical scene, I think, 'I loved this experience, but noone is going to buy this'.   I guess because I didn't try to put anything into the piece but what it should be.   Not some sales gimick.  And nothing of me.

I just finished a commission for a lovely lady at the gallery.  It's another "Last Supper".  The last one I did a couple of years ago was called 'One Of You'.  I haven't named this one yet.

When I first became a Christian, I was very depressed and one time, I felt like I saw Jesus in my mind with outstretched arms.  I don't remember his apprearance except that he had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.  I always thought that seemed absurd until I read 2 different accounts of children who had near death experiences about 12 years later.  They talked about how blue Jesus' eyes were.  Gave me chill bumps.

"Break my heart with what breaks yours.  Everything I am for your kingdoms cause." - Brooke Fraser.

Have a great, humble week!