I have what?????

I've always been a little......different.  I remember being in high school and thinking I was literally out of my mind.  I tried to fix that with alcohol, drugs, theatre, art.....anything.  Never worked.  When I was in my 20's, a friend decided that I was bi-polar and sent me to her doctor, who put me on one medicine after another.....I got nuttier and nuttier the more medicine I took.  After a terrible episode in Target when I literally thought my legs where gushing blood all over the aisle (sounds insane but it's actually a pretty funny story....obviously I wasn't bleeding) I decided to throw away all medicine. 
Another time and another doctor, I was told I had severe depression.  Really?  I don't feel all that depressed so how can I be labeled as severe anything?  More medicine....more nuttiness....more throwing medicine away. 

After a few years of trying to tough it out, I saw another doctor.  She patiently listened to me....very patiently....and then handed me a piece of paper and said, 'fill this out, just for the heck of it'.  So I did.  Took me about 20 minutes, I gave it to her, she read it, looked at me and with a smile, said....'You do not have severe depression, you are not bi-polar, you are not nutty at all......you have ADD, and that is okay'. 

I have what???

She also told me that when people who have ADD do not get diagnosed correctly, they always wonder what is wrong with them and why nothing helps and that is what makes them so depressed.  And no medicine is going to help the depression if the ADD is not dealt with.

'I have what??'

So......I went to the library, got the best book on ADD I could find and read it.  I was floored by what i read.  Without telling my husband what I was reading, I said, 'listen to this description.....' and I read him 2 pages of what an ADD adult might look like.  He literally said, 'Wow.  Who wrote a book about you?'

I have ADD.

Now.....before you go getting sappy and 'I'm so sorry' on me.....ADD is not so bad, if you know you have it.  There are lot's of ways to manage.  AND.....most people who have ADD are super creative, very intelligent and can handle many things normal folks can't.  I'm not trying to sensationalize this or anything.  I'm just saying, it's not a death sentence. 

If I did not have ADD, I would never be able to run the gallery, enjoy my family, do my own art, teach a class or 2, manage 2 blogs, a facebook page, a website and an online store. (I do, of course, require help with all this, though!)

Needless to say, I get very, VERY overwhelmed at times.  But now I know how to deal with it.  And I have a very supportive family and community of friends who love me, understand me and accept me as I am.  And that makes all the difference.

So.....thanks to my ADD, here are some of the projects I was able to accomplish this week!



The beginnings of a 'How to Paint a Folk Art Face' tutorial for next week.

 

A 'Grandmother Brag Bracelet' for an old friend in my Kentucky hometown.



A cute Halloween Poem I wrote and some funky art.

Did I mention that I as soon as the weather starts to cool that I get completely obsessed with Halloween?

 Yes, completely obsessed.  That will be another blog post!
Cute little Halloween, bottlecap necklaces.

And my little poems that I do.  Gotta do more of these tonight.

So....as you can see, ADD works for me.  I hate it, I love it.  And in the end, it's not so bad.  Learning about it and understanding it is the key.  Good days, bad days.  But God made me this way for a reason.  I'm gonna be okay.

Deus Comprehensus.....

Last week after I finished teaching a class at the gallery on painting folk art angels (of all things), my friend Di and I went to have a glass of wine at Flat Iron so I could chill out from the week and have a little down time before heading home again. 

 I'm so fortunate to have friends who accept me for who I am, let me rant and rave about things I love, hate, question.....or just vent.  And that night, my head was swimming about silly questions like, 'why are we really here?' and 'a virgin birth.....come on, really?' and 'does God even know who I am?'.   Ridiculous when you think about my last blog post. 

My dear friend reminds me that questions are good.  Doubting is healthy and just like any decent relationship, God welcomes it. 

Really??  And then I figured....I don't know all there is to know about my husband, my kids....even my dog....but I love them so much.  I love discovering new things about them.  I love that ever so often I get a new glimpse into them and appreciate who they are and seeing talents they have that I don't and loving that their personalities, loves, interests and desires are different than mine.  It's so cool! 

I have to admit that I was even a little mad at God for a couple of days.  How do I really know that He cares a lick about my teeny, little life.  Are those gentle nudges really Him or am I just making it up?  Wishful thinking??  Am I crazy????????

And in the midst of all this...I got a commission for a painting.  This lovely lady asked me to do a mixed media piece for her.  She left the specifics of the painting up to me.  She only required one thing to be included; a quote that read,

'Deus comprehensus non est Deus'

Which is translated.....

'God fully comprehended is not God'.

Now ain't that something.

Everything I am.....

I know noone wants to hear about another of my struggles after my little rant last week......but here it is!  As a visual artist, I struggle with what to paint.  I have a terrible habit of seeing what other artists are doing and then looking at my own work as sadly inferior.  Oh, the joys of comparison.   Why do we do it? 

Being a Christian artist has presented some extra challenges.  I want my work to be thought-provoking and inspirational (who doesn't, right??) but then I have to ask myself.....why?  Why do I want it to be thought-provoking and inspirational?  Do I want to help people or do I want to be thought of as 'insightful' and 'interesting'.  Is it for them.....or is it for me?  Shouldn't it be to edify?.......or is it for me?  What are people saying about me?

For years.....it's been for me.  I struggle (yes....another struggle) with humility.  I've been called humble so many times and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "you have no idea".  I soooo appreciate people thinking of me that way but I'm not humble.  I WANT to be more than anything.  Humility would make me a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, boss, artist........everything!!  Why is it so elusive??  Why is the 'what am I going to get out of this' question always in the back of my mind??

So, back to 'what should I paint?'.........nothing gives me greater joy than to paint the gospels.  I love to read the bible....but sometimes it's just words to me.  After painting everything under the sun and struggling (there's that word again) with what else to paint, I settle on the gospels most of the time.  When I'm painting a scene about Jesus, I feel close to him.  I don't hear words.....I feel.   To quote 'Chariots of Fire'........When I paint, I feel God's pleasure. 

So there you have it.   I get so many questions as to why I choose the bible to paint from.  Because it's a spiritual experience for me.  Because I feel God when I paint.   I try to be a thousand different things in life to try to measure up and compare with what everyone is doing better than me.   But when I paint, it's just me and God.  Noone to impress.  Just us.  When I paint....I'm humble.  Finally.

Everytime I finish a biblical scene, I think, 'I loved this experience, but noone is going to buy this'.   I guess because I didn't try to put anything into the piece but what it should be.   Not some sales gimick.  And nothing of me.

I just finished a commission for a lovely lady at the gallery.  It's another "Last Supper".  The last one I did a couple of years ago was called 'One Of You'.  I haven't named this one yet.

When I first became a Christian, I was very depressed and one time, I felt like I saw Jesus in my mind with outstretched arms.  I don't remember his apprearance except that he had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.  I always thought that seemed absurd until I read 2 different accounts of children who had near death experiences about 12 years later.  They talked about how blue Jesus' eyes were.  Gave me chill bumps.

"Break my heart with what breaks yours.  Everything I am for your kingdoms cause." - Brooke Fraser.

Have a great, humble week!

Those who make me smile.....

Today was one of those days when I can't tell if I'm sad because things are changing... or because I'm feeling a little overworked....or because I haven't seen friends in a while.....or if I'm just totally hormonal.  I was dealing with all of these today and I'm sure they all worked very well together to create the perfect storm.

I LOVE to be alone so I can paint, read, blog....whatever.  But after a few days, I start to get very down and that is when I have to grab that cup of coffee, sit on the screened in porch and reevaluate my week.  Hmmm......perhaps being a hermit is not necessarilly a positive thing.  I need to see friends.  I need to be around positive people who care about me.  Even if they are not so positive at the moment.  I need to get out of my own head and see some real, live people!

Oh....that's another thing.  I have this lovely, safe place inside my head I call 'the box'.  It's where I go when I'm overwhelmed, sad, attacked, angry, moody, senstive, irrational.......so as you can guess, I pretty much live there.  Safe?  Only in a matter of speaking.  I seem to forget the rest of the world exists when I retreat to the box for protection.  Only....the world inside the box doesn't really exist.  It's imaginery.  A 'safe' place for me to feel happy, welcome, talented, sought after, needed, adored......but it's not real.  And it's easy to get lost in a place where everything is happy and I'm the star of the show.  But in the end....it's hard to leave the box.  And I get stuck.  And I start to forget my friends, my husband, my kids......everything that is important to me.  My relationships suffer.  The gallery suffers.  I suffer.  But that box.....it's so safe, right?

This morning I forced myself out of the box.  I put off working out (for shame, right?), packed up a punch of jewelry supplies and headed to the gallery to work and socialize with my sweet friend Angela Statzer who was behind the desk.  It was a great idea.  I was feeling crappy and Angela's smile and enthusiasm brightened my day.  It was so nice to have coffee, make some earrings and just gab.  It's exactly what I needed.

Then, the girls and I spent the afternoon making jewelry out of pop cans.  I made it and they modeled.  Another fun break in the day.  They were wonderful.

But, tonight I dreaded going to church to practice singing for Sunday's service.  It's my last time singing at Lake Forest since I'm on the launch team to start the new church.  I was back to being down and I also couldn't get a sitter so the girls were tagging along with me.  You never know how that's going to go!  I got there and everyone was very welcoming of the kids.  Already made me feel better.  Then I got to hang out with 2 wonderful ladies, Reeve and Liz.  

Singing buddies!



Me and Liz, my super pick me up friend.



This is super blurry, but Molly made a bed for her and bunny white right on stage.

Me singing.  Taken with Reeves phone!

 Liz is one of those friends who will just randomly text me great little pick me ups out of nowhere.  She's the best.   Just hanging with these 2 ladies gave me another needed boost.

  And at the end of the night, Lilly got the treat of her life when Kyle let her sing one of his songs on the mike with the full band behind her.  Molly did a lovely interpretive dance during the guitar solo.  You never saw 2 happier little girls.  Made my night.

So....the point of this very LONG blog post is.....

The box is bad. 

Friends are good. 

Life is beautiful.

Good night.



Sneak Peek....

I've been working the last 2 weeks on a commissioned 'Last Supper' piece.  Almost finished!  I'm happy with how it is turning out.  This is the first time I've had color requests.  It's challenging to work with a limited color palette, in a good way.  Always good to stretch a bit!  I never realized how dependent I was on the color blue until I couldn't use it.  Who knew?

I'll hopefully have all the black painted in by Monday.

Gotta fix John, to the right.  Looks like he's wearing eye makeup.  Woopsy.

AND.....

I have to include a little photo of this Mommy bracelet I just made for myself.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE dangly charm bracelets but can never find or afford what I want.  So...I made it!

I added 2 little girls charms, one that says 'family', 'Mom' and some baby booties.  And, of course, the girls' stamped names.  All sterling.  Now I have to figure out how to price out all the charms and add it to the gallery.  Pricing is always a challenge.

Have a great weekend!!